(This is my translation of the Chinese piece,
Strolling in the late night, on the boulevard, except for a touch of
cars occasionally flying past, it is difficult to spot anything else.
My heart beats in such tranquility, as if I were destined to walk
alone upon this endless road.
All the wandering is tiring me out. Sitting beneath a faint street
light, in a trance I feel as if I have returned to the past, under the
same street lamp. Absentmindedly I stood, not knowing the path that
lied before me after leaving home; not knowing, without my parents’
love and support, if I could still stand up; not knowing, if it was
all worth it -- for him. But, there was no regret, because, it was all
for him -- a man who made me promises that he did not keep.
My thoughts continue to drift, taking me back to our good times. Under
the dim lights in the pub, I quietly gazed at the performing pianist. His
voice was light and clear, There was happiness within, and seemingly a
touch of sorrow. Here, there were people of all walks of life. They were
all tending to their affairs. It seemed that no one was really
listening to his singing, which to most was perhaps no more than a
certain ambience, a series of sounds to occupy the ears. He did not seem bothered by such an
audience. Occasionally, he'd look up and smile at me,
ever so lightly, sending a message that only I could understand. That
fading smile was my only support, because I had lost everything -- for
him. I left my parents, left school, left everyone around me.
Except him, I had nothing. But I never held any regret.
Powerless, I sit beneath the street lamp. The road before my eyes seems to have
unwound to its end. By my ears his voice rings: “Someone
will like my songs. I will not make you regret!” I smiled weakly, and
firmly held his hand, resting my head on his shoulder. He understood
the whispers of my heart. I would never look back. Since he took
my hand, and brought me away from underneath this street lamp, I had
decided to remove regret from my list of words. From that moment on, I
knew, I would always hold on to that hand, forever and wherever, till
the four corners of the earth.
This night, it is really turning very cold. The wind blows; it blows
onto my body which has lost all its senses. I smile candidly, as if
mocking the ignorance of this wind that continues to blow upon this
senseless body without spirit. I don’t know where I should go. I
dare not go back to that empty room. I fear remembering, fear
thinking of him. There, our fragrant liveliness remains. There,
memories of our sweetness still hold. On the balcony, I cuddled up
in his arms to watch the sun set. Quietly I curled in his embrace to
hide from the landlord who pressed for overdue rental. And, we wiped
the furniture hand in hand...
Finally, he met someone who understood his music. I had never seen him
so excited. Like a child, he gave me a big
silly smile. He held onto my
hand: “I almost could not go on. I told you that I would not make you
regret. But day in and day out, looking at you rushing through life
in such hardship, I really thought I could not go on. Now, I want to
make my promise come true.” I smiled. I saw such a bright future
that awaited us. We gave all our savings to the person who
understood his music. Then and there, we really saw a future. We saw
that we would never again have to endure hunger, never again be
expelled. It was then that we realized, that our wish had been so
simple, but which brought us so much happiness that it was beyond
My heart is so cold. On the boulevard, even the touch of cars seemed
to have gone home. I smile, and continue to smile, smiling with tears
trickling down, smiling until I become weak, until I fall down
alongside the lamp post. I don't want to get up. I just want to lie
like this, and never get up again. My eyes look into the sky. The
sky above the city is so turbid that I cannot see a single star.
Even the moonlight comes and goes.
Absently I close my eyes, and I see him again. That day, the man who
had never given me a flower came home with a bundle of lilies in his
hands, all smiles. I smiled too, not knowing the reason behind the
gift. But I vaguely felt that his smile was making me uneasy.
"Since the day I saw you, I had always felt that you were like
lilies, lilies of the
night, pure and full of vitality. I admire your persistence and strong will.
That’s something I don't have. If not for you, I could not have
lasted!” I smiled gently, embracing him. When I was placing
the flowers into the vase, he went away. I ran after him to ask where
he was headed, but he was no where to be found. Suddenly, Suddenly,
fear came upon my heart like never before. I froze before the door, waiting for him to return.
A thud surged through air. Before I could understood what was
happening, he had already drifted down from the top of the building,
ending his life.
He only left me this letter:
"I've never told you that I love you. I’m sorry. It was because I wanted
to wait until I had what it takes, before I could speak those words
to you. I thought that moment was finally about to arrive. But, I
was wrong. He deceived us of all our money. Everything is gone, my
dream, our dream, my future, and ours. I’m really not as strong as
you. Before you came along, I had wanted to end my life countless
But when I saw you giving up everything for me, and facing everything with
me, with such optimism, such determination, I firmly believed that I was going
to give you a future, a bright future, and I was not going to allow
anything to take away your smiles.
"But now, everything is gone. I’m a coward! Why did you choose me? Why
did you? You are like a lily of the night, gentle and persistent. But
me, I’m like a dandelion, not belonging to this world,
always hoping to fly away, and in the end falling to the earth. Do you know? Every time you listened to my
songs at the
bar, such a thrill would come over me. I know that you understand my songs.
Every time I spoke, you’d smile calmly at me. That’s my favorite
smile. In this world, I only have you. You came by the side of an
orphan, to protect the soul of one who was weak. You know, I really
have so much to tell you, but I just don't know how to express
"How I wanted to give you a bright future. How I wanted to give
you everything that draws everyone's envy. How I wanted, wanted...
too must, just too much. Now, I can no longer achieve
anything. I no longer want to see you endure hunger. I no longer want
to see you rush about life in distress. I no longer want to see your
thinning figure. I can no longer take it. The man who
claimed to understand my music, has completely defeated me. He
took my all, including my life.
"I really wanted my promise to come true for you. I was going to give
you so much...
"Forgive me! I love you!!!!!!"
Thus selfishly, he abandoned me, leaving me alone in this boundless world,
leaving behind a shell without a spirit. I lie in the dim
light beneath the street lamp, while taking that letter out of my
pocket. Slowly I am tearing it apart, piece by piece, and watch as
they drift away in the wind. I admire these slivers. They look so
serene and pretty as they slowly drift away with the wind.
The night is so quiet. I don't want it to be that quiet. I start to
hum: “I will bring myself under control. I don’t want to let anyone
see my tears. My heart aches so much I can no longer go on. How can
I find a reason to be strong, when I can no longer feel your warmth
I gather all my strength, and shout into the sky: “I love you! I love
you!! I... love... you!!!” Finally I am done, having lost all my
strength. The sky begins to clear up, and a star finally comes out. My
body seems to drift up, as if I'm about to catch that star. I smile
calmly -- that, is his favorite smile.
Hazily I seem to meet an angel. I take my smile and follow his
steps. “Wait for me!... Here I come... !!!”